My friend--an actual lawyer--doesn't even love the law THIS much. Here's "Crappy News" for Tuesday, July 17th.

Lebanon, OR- A man has apologized for threatening lottery employees.


42-year-old Jason Ouellette was arrested last Tuesday after allegedly sending a menacing email threatening to shoot and kill people at the state's lottery headquarters.

Ouellette claims he was upset at himself for losing "a substantial amount of money" while playing a lottery machine the day before.

Oullette admitted that sending the email was a "terrible mistake." He apologized for frightening anyone and says he plans to seek counseling for his gambling addiction. [The Oregonian]

Mount Airy, NC- This should be the least of your concerns when eating at a buffet.


Employees at a Golden Corral noticed that the vents weren't working properly. It seemed like the exhaust vent above the stove was blocked, so their manager went up to the roof to investigate...and found 59-year-old Charlie Walker.

Walker had attempted to break into the restaurant before it opened, but got stuck in the ventilation he's actually pretty lucky that someone found him.

The fire department came to rescue him and took Walker to the hospital. Doctors checked him out, and then he was arrested for felony breaking and entering. [FOX 8]

Alexandria, LA- This couple truly loves the law. I guess?


Employees at the Rapides Parish Courthouse heard a "commotion" coming from a fifth-floor stairwell, so they went to check it out. And it didn't take them long to figure out what was causing it.

20-year-old Miguel Glorioso & 19-year-old Jamie Lee Coutee were found having sex in there. Turns out, Glorioso is an inmate who was cleaning the courthouse as part of his work release program and Coutee had come to--ahem--visit him.

The lovebirds were each arrested and jailed on obscenity charges. [KATC-TV]

Clearly, the legal system turns these two on, so let me try to set the mood: jurisdiction, litigation, habeas corpus...

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